On a blabbing spree because a simple diagram made a hundred thoughts go thru my mind today

I realized that i seldom, or almost do not wear my heart on my sleeve. People find it hard to know what i am thinking. And weirdly enough, sometimes i do not know how to express what i am thinking. It's like it's hard to put it into words. Sometimes though, i just do not want to express. But recently, i realized that i am no longer like that. Maybe i have changed. Or maybe perhaps it is just who i am speaking to. (I'm speaking a lot to one person recently.) Actually, i'm confused. Sighs. It all boils down to the dynamics in a relationship once again, maybe?

Saw a diagram in human development class today. Four circles. Four-types of communications in a relationship. The outermost circle, hi-bye, people whom you make small talk with, can only be called acquaintances. The second circle, well, you talk about facts, like what happened today, what are you doing. The third one, you share thoughts. You share with others about your ideas and your dreams, your thoughts on important and significant things in your life. The innermost circle will be what is known as self-disclosure, where you share your inner feelings, the real you.

Truthfully, the deeper into the circle you go, the more vulnerable you become. That is because you've laid yourself bare and left nothing to protect yourself with. But to those who have seen you at your worst, but still accept you for who you are and not desert you, i call those people true friends.Those are in fact rare and hard to come by. Honestly, i find it takes courage to bare your soul.

In class, i tried looking at the people closest to me and see in which circle do we fall. I realized that people who are in the inner most two circles are indeed few. Or perhaps i just have selective memory. Lol. There are people whom i wished were inside there but sadly, we've not reached that stage. And there are some people with whom i have reached that stage without realizing it. Hmm.. what can i say? Things happen when you least expect them to. Well. human development class is one class which makes me think. A lot. I've even planned out how i want to raise my kids next time. LOL! And i dare say this is true for almost everyone who is taking that class.

Oh right. Human development also forces me to recall many things in the past. From toddler-hood to childhood, adolescence and early adulthood. The struggles, the pains, the heartbreaks, the happiness, the sweet memories, the lessons learnt. You know, i used to hate writing journals in class, because i am not very comfortable with self-disclosure, which is what the lecturer is looking for. But now, i actually enjoy writing those journals. And i do find it more comfortable writing about my feelings right now (with me assuming that the journal is for the lecturer's eyes only).

And philosophy class. It actually makes me doubt many things right now. Everything is relative. Nothing is for sure. There is no such thing as a 100% guarantee. I wonder if that knowledge makes life gloomier. Or if the knowledge of an uncertain future actually make us appreciate the present all the more. Once again, it's a choice of perspective, it's how you want to see it. There is always no right or wrong way to go about something. It's just how you interpret it. Well, one thing's for sure(or is it?), Philosophy is interesting and i have no regrets choosing this subject.

What you think is real will be real in their consequences, one of the few things from last year that have stuck in my mind even until now. True, don't you think? 问题，往往是人想出来的。你觉得有问题，就算没有，也会变成有。因为how you think and perceive something will affect the way you act and respond, and that reaction would cause a similar reaction. Thus something that is not there before might now be there, just because of how you chose to react.

Ok. Enough blabbing for today. I have a good mind to start keeping a diary again. And i shall complete all assignments by Sunday night! YES I WILL! Crap, busy busy weekend =(